Guest post: Juicy Goss, or Pulp Fiction? – James Le Gassick

By James Le Gassick

In life, we all have many questions we need answered. Unfortunately, not all of them can be. There are some questions that cannot, and should not be answered. But even through I was criticised and alienated, I was still destined to set out and try to find out exactly what oranges think about, what moves them, and what they are about… But it proved to be a much harder task than I first foresaw.

It’s tough interviewing an orange…

For starters, oranges don’t like to divulge much of their personal life… Actually they don’t like to divulge anything. When asked what they do in their spare time, the particular orange I interviewed replied in awkward silence. A taunting silence that said, “I know something you don’t.” Well it didn’t actually say that, it was silent, but that’s what it felt like.

Now I know what your thinking, and I thought the same, an orange has got to have juicy gossip right? That’s what I thought, and I still think it does. It is just whether or not it feels the need to divulge such information to the public.

In order to have anything that could possibly resemble an article to submit anywhere (especially this fabulous publication) I had to squeeze every last juicy thought out of that pert, round orange in order to write this. Even though all this juicy goss came out, who can tell if that’s all it really is. Is it gossip, or just pulp fiction? There is no way to know with an orange, their poker face is second to none.

Now, even when I confronted the orange on the simplest of questions. “Where did you come from?” All I got in reply was a blank expressionless stare. Clearly an illegal immigrant if you ask me, but still accusations of that magnitude are best left alone, especially when in the middle of an interview, (albeit not the most informative one.) But still, can’t go around bad mouthing, it just makes work harder to get if word of mouth gets around. But back to the main problem: oranges not answering important questions. No matter what I asked. “How are you?” “Would you like some juice?” Even, “did you hear Brangelinia adopted another baby?”—No matter what I said, no matter how I prodded, it didn’t move, (well it rolled slightly) it just stared at me, waiting for me to snap. But not this writer, not me; I never wear; never tire, not until I get every ounce of juice out of this orange.

Most people, (in my opinion) seem to think that oranges are hard, and cold. But that is only their exterior. I had to peel away all that in order to get to the fleshy juicy underbelly, and let me tell you, the juices that flow from the crevices of an orange are incredible. Tears were shed, mostly mine, when the orange finally opened up, and there it was, all the juicy gossip I had been waiting for. The juicy gossip that would make me famous, the juicy gossip that dripped down and completely wrecked my recording device… (I had to use my iPhone for the rest of the interview.)

Although I’d had a breakthrough, it is quite hard to sift though all the juicy goss and sift out the pulp fiction, but it is something that has to be done in my line of work. It’s even harder to sift when the pulp is thin and can easily slip through the cracks. But, that is my job, to decipher the lies and pulp fiction form all the truly factual juicy gossip, and that is what I eventually got.

Here it is for all to see, the secrets oranges didn’t want you to know, a no added preservatives insight to the inner workings of oranges, the secrets that I squeezed out, the secrets no one else knows…

Oranges were originally called, ‘Citcles,‘ meaning citrus circle, but during the great 50BC Battle for Citrus Rights, the name was changed because of an uproar brought about to change the name on the basis that there are too many different citrus fruits that are also circles. Oranges therefore forfeited the rights to name themselves Citcle. However, due to this dramatic outbreak, the oranges were able to change their name to anything they desired, they chose to rename themselves Orange, even though it existed as a colour, due to the means that brought about the name change, they were allowed to use it.

This however caused mass breakouts of arguments from other orange fruit and vegetables, who claimed that it was again unfair for the newly christened Oranges to have a name that many other fruits and vegetables could also be named. This motion was overruled by the Council of Fruit and Vegetables (CFV) and oranges have kept their name ever since.

Although the memory of the Battle for Citrus Rights dies, the legacy of the orange lives on.